our time vs. His time

Do you ever struggle with patience or with trusting that God is working in a certain situation? God is ever faithful to do with and for us what He wills - WHEN He wills it. This summer has been one of me, yet again, forgetting that and, yet again, learning to embrace it.

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"Even if the message is not fulfilled right away, wait patiently; for it will certainly come to pass - it will not arrive late." Habakkuk 2:3b (NET)
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I've fought the battle of my timing in respect to God's timing nearly my whole adult life. Most frequently, it has reared its ugly head in relation to being single. For as long as I can remember, my biggest dream as a little girl was to be a good wife and mother - and yet as an adult, with few exceptions, I have watched all my friends get married and have children. Nearly all of them have two children by now, and several have more. While it has brought such joy to my heart to watch their marriages and families flourish, I'd be dishonest if I denied that there has been a bittersweet edge at certain moments that my own life hasn't yet followed that path.

Still, I know God has a wonderful and perfect plan for my life. As he says in Ecclesiastes 8:6 (NIV) "There is a proper time and procedure for everything." I have faith that He will bring marriage and family to my life when it is right. I've played the game of trying to finagle my way around His timing and instead force my time upon Him. While I have some wonderful memories of that time, I also know that I was not in God's will and as a result, encountered a lot of unnecessary pain and hurt (not to mention, years of time that I can never regain). So most of the time, my patience in His timing where this is concerned remains steadfast and my heart is trusting in Him.

But this summer brought a whole new test to my struggle to live within God's timing. Those of you who know me will realize that I am a little ... hmmm ... shall we just say organized? I like to have a plan. I like to know what to expect. I do not like surprises, unless I know they're coming (kind of defeats the purpose, huh?). I like knowing the processes, the reasons, the method to things - and when I don't, I feel somewhat bewildered and a tad stressed.

Thus began my summer. After several months mulling over and mentally planning my move to a new RENTAL home of some sort, I walked into the first weekend of summer with plans to attack the search on that Monday morning. That gave me most of June and a part of July to find a place to rent, all that time and the rest of July to pack, and if I paid double-rent so I could move in on August 1, I could be moved and settled in with plenty of time before returning to work on August 14th. All planned out and perfect - just like I like it.

Ahem. Of course you see it coming, right? God had other plans. His timing was NOT my own. Even more, His PLAN was not even my own. And He had no intention of allowing me to even put a single foot down on the path of MY plan before completely changing my course. On Monday morning, a few mere hours after discussing my plan of action with some friends at a picnic (while steadfastly defending my plan to rent and not buy, mind you), God orchestrated circumstances so that I was suddenly taking my first steps down the path of a first time home-buyer. By noon that day, I was preapproved for a loan and had an appointment to go look at houses with a realtor that afternoon. (Remember how I said that I don't like surprises - and I like to know what to expect? How I must amuse God sometimes!) Needless to say, I was probably more shocked than anyone at the sudden change in direction.

In my first few days, I was reassured by my realtor and my mortgage guy that if I found a house for sale under normal circumstances by the end of June and had an accepted offer, I could still be moving in August 1st and settled by the time school started. My realtor cautioned me against considering some houses on the list of sales within my price range because they were short sales, whose names are deceptive as they're anything BUT short. Ahem. Yep, you've got it. Despite my adament refusal to consider a short sale because it did not match MY timing, which house did I ultimately grow to love and put an offer in on ? Of course! A short sale.

With an accepted offer from the seller on June 17th, I settled in for a wait that is still not over - you see, the long part of the process is waiting for her bank, investor, etc. to get things all in order regarding any funds she may have available, the comparable prices of homes in the area, and so many other things - and only THEN does her bank decide to accept or reject my offer. 67 days later, and I still sit waiting. Now I know my offer is a strong one and chances are good that this house will be mine - but I do not know that DEFINITIVELY.

The time between about June 17 - July 25th was the hardest span, because in this span I heard almost NOTHING. I wish I could tell you that I spent this time praying and trusting in God's timing. I didn't. Don't get me wrong - I prayed fervently, but I failed to trust. It was so frustrating to sit and know nothing - all the while knowing that my apartment lease ended August 31. On July 1st, I had to give my 60 days notice to vacate without knowing what I would do come Sept. 1 if I was not in a house.

Not having a plan was a challenge ... by July 31st, I knew that I would not be able to move directly into my house from my apartment and had to come up with a Plan B. Something about finally "knowing" that much at least brought some measure of comfort.

But the time since has been the most rewarding to me, because I finally realized that my time is imperfect, but God's timing is absolutely perfect. At the APPOINTED time, each facet of my life will be revealed - and God alone knows when that will be. God will never, ever be late in anything. But sometimes I think we forget that this also means that He will not be early, either. When this phase in my journey to home ownership is complete, God will wrap His loving arms around me and walk with me into the next phase - but He will do it in His perfect time. And for one of the first times in my life, I am truly, deeply okay with that. I'm still the same plan-loving, non-risk-taking, surprise-fearing gal that I always was - yet the last three weeks has brought a peace of mind and a calm that I've rarely experienced. What a lightening of the load it is to know that God Himself holds every single detail of my life in His loving, perfect hands.

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But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, "You are my God." My times are in Your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me. Psalm 31:14-15 (NIV)
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God, Thank you so much for being a God of details. I am so glad to know that You care about every tidbit in my life, and that You understand my sometimes untrusting, impatient heart. I am sorry for sometimes trying to force my time onto life's path - please remain with me, helping me to trust in YOUR time - your perfect and loving time. Help us all to do more of that and less of running our own paths, wasting precious moments, fretting over details that You've already worked out.

Lessons Learned

Some time ago, when God really convicted me at a Bible study, I began to feel like this was going to be a huge summer for me. Outwardly, apart from the home-buying adventure, there has been no drama. Yet somehow amidst all of that, God has really revealed a lot of lessons to my heart and mind. I'll share a few of them with you in the hopes that perhaps he will speak to your heart somehow, too:

1. Contentment and faith are perhaps the two biggest struggles in my life, and perhaps in many Christians' lives. Also, the two often go hand-in-hand. When we are not content, often it is because we do not have unwavering faith that God knows what is best and will provide for it. When we do not have faith, discontent often sneaks in.
2. I need to learn to ask for help when I need it! This is an okay thing.
3. I've learned that it really annoys me when people, no matter who they are, presume to tell me how I think or feel about something. It seems to me this is like they're saying they have the "inside scoop" to my heart and mind while I, on the other hand, am in the dark. I'm working at not showing my extreme irritation when they do this. :-)
   
4. I've realized that I still have a tendency to want to please everyone, yet the only One who truly matters is God. If I am following Him and seeking His path for me, I am right where I should be. Besides, it is impossible to please everyone!

I am sure there are many more lessons learned, both that I've chosen to leave unspoken and that just haven't come to mind tonight, but for now, those are the ones that have really been closest to me over the past few weeks.

The Back Side of the Picture

I haven't blogged in awhile. I'd like to blame it on being incredibly busy (which would be accurate) but the more appropriate blame could probably be placed on the fact that God has been murmuring to me, whispering to my heart over the past few weeks and I haven't had human words to pair with the whispers. Forgive me in advance for the lengthy post (brevity has never been a strength), but the words are coming, at last:

"If you can't pray a door open, don't pry it open." ~ Lyell Rader

When I stumbled across this quotation earlier in the week, I chuckled. It was so short and almost cute in its directness. Yet as the week has gone on I've realized these were some of the very words my human mind needed to grasp hold of and use to point me purposefully into God's Word. This morning, I happened to google Rader's name because I have never heard of him. I found little beyond one additional quote. This time, the quote made me chuckle just because it was another perfect hit:

"Faith grows only in the dark. You've got to trust him when you can't trace him. That's faith." ~ Lyell Rader

Coupling these together makes me wonder - how many times have I tried to "help" God out by prying open a door that He never intended to be open in my life in the first place? I think over the course of the last decade and can't help but recognize that I have probably caused myself a great deal of pain and confusion by my own hand. True, with each struggle comes a lesson learned - but I am convicted to know that I would dare be so confident in my ability to comprehend God's will several steps down the road - so confident, in fact, that I would jump ahead of Him and step into what I "knew" to be the right path. How foolish I have been so many times! Sometimes in small things and sometimes in bigger things, but regardless, how absurd is it to think that I as a mere human could even begin to understand the grandeur and the will of an incomprehensible God!!

Those of you who know my family also know that my Mom and sister are both incredibly talented in almost anything in the creative world - drawing, cross-stitch, knitting, crochet, sewing, and so many more. Their interests are varied, yet their talent is unmistakable. I, on the other hand, am mediocre at best in any of these pursuits. I'd like to say that it's because I don't have the attention span for it and while that may be partially true (I have this need to move through a "to do" list quickly - long craft projects tend to bore me after a few days), I think that the real reason is because I am way too much a perfectionist. I have a hard time tackling projects with real commitment when I don't think the end result will be "good enough."

Hmmmm....I wonder - how often do I approach life this way? Only adopting pursuits I feel confident I can achieve? Deciding for myself which paths I think are best for me and then trekking off in that direction, even if it means prying open closed doors? Saying that I have faith in God, and yet somehow not having enough faith in myself to rest peacefully in the faith of life laid in the Master's Hands? Needing to understand to the point that the first glimmer I have that a certain path might be the way to go, I take off down that road without a backward glance, perhaps never noticing that there was a detour full of open doors that was my real path?

It reminds me of a story I heard somewhere along the way growing up, and goes back to the whole "crafty" side of things. One craft that I do enjoy occasionally in very small doses (we're talking bookmark-sized doses) is cross-stitching. My sister taught me to cross-stitch in one of those far too infrequent adolescent moments when we got along. Now my sister? She hasn't cross-stitched much in several years as her interests have moved on, but she could create a beautiful piece of cross-stitch art. She would take on these massive projects - huge framed works that would take her months to complete. They were impressive. What's interesting, though, is that the backsides of her projects were almost as impressive as the fronts. Don't get me wrong - the picture was still only complete and recognizable on the front. Yet the back was always neat, with precise lines of thread, tidy little knots - uniform in its own methodical way.

My cross-stitch projects? Of course I'm going to be harder on myself than I should, but I will also be honest - you would laugh if you saw the backs. Seriously. You would. The fronts always turn out just as they should. But the backs are a mess! I always tried to start out with neat, uniform rows; but soon enough, the moment would come when I realized that I'd forgotten a stitch and instead of tying off and starting anew with that row, I'd just move directly to it and keep going. My knots have never been stellar and I rarely trusted they would hold so often ran my needle through the past few threads just to reinforce it a little bit before tying off. The result? A hodge podge of messy threads of various colors, a nonsensical jumble of confusion - one that I always made sure to hide with a back of some sort.

That brings me back to the story - it was something about a granddaughter talking to her grandmother about how she was confused in life and just couldn't understand the "big picture" or plan that God had in mind for her. The grandmother picks up her current cross-stitch project and, showing her granddaughter the back side, asks her what she thinks about it. The girl chuckles and says that it's the back so it doesn't matter. The grandmother chuckles before replying that the back definitely matters because without it, the beautiful picture on the front could not exist. Then she pauses before she eloquently begins to weave words together explaining that what we see of our lives is, for the most part, the back side. We see the directions, the beginnings, the endings, sometimes even the messes - and many times we don't understand what we're seeing. Then the grandmother moves on to explain that what God sees is the front side, the beautiful picture of our lives that He is creating. She goes on to say that when we embrace our perspective as it is, God is able to do His work and continue stitching the story of our lives - often giving us glimpses of that "big picture" of the front. Yet too often we get lost in our short-sightedness and grab the needle away from God, making our own stitches and carving our own paths. In all this, God is still willing to work the "big picture" for His good, but perhaps not in the same manner and often requiring the pain of stitches being removed or a longer timeline before certain pieces of the picture are complete.

I always thought this was a beautiful story and now, combining that with these two quotes and the murmurings of my heart, I am so overwhelmed with the wonderful omniscience and perfection of my glorious Savior. I am human, weak and frail ... far too often grabbing the needle and prying open the doors ... may I learn to let go and trust my God who knows far better than I what steps my feet must take. And, on a lighter note, may I embrace my less-than-perfect crafty endeavors for the tiny gems that they are. :-)

~ Father, give me the patience and the faith to let You open the doors, to let You hold the needle, even when I can't follow the pattern or decipher your plan. ~