Today's topic: What NOT to say to your single friends
"Why aren't you married yet?"
"You are SO lucky!!"
"Your life is SO much simpler as a single."
(Um, no. No. No. I'm not saying it's any more complex. It's just not any simpler either.)
"You just haven't met the right one yet."
(Duh.)
"It will happen when you're not even looking for it."
"I know this guy/girl. S/He's single too. You two should meet."
(Because two single people are automatically a match and nothing else matters? Surely you remember that's not how it works!)
"I just WISH I could be single again."
(Yeah, we believe you. Or not.)
"God is still working on him/you. Just wait patiently."
(Implying that one of us is extremely messed up, thus that's why it's taking so long? Thanks.)
~~~~~
"Why aren't you married yet?"
"You are SO lucky!!"
"Your life is SO much simpler as a single."
(Um, no. No. No. I'm not saying it's any more complex. It's just not any simpler either.)
"You just haven't met the right one yet."
(Duh.)
"It will happen when you're not even looking for it."
"I know this guy/girl. S/He's single too. You two should meet."
(Because two single people are automatically a match and nothing else matters? Surely you remember that's not how it works!)
"I just WISH I could be single again."
(Yeah, we believe you. Or not.)
"God is still working on him/you. Just wait patiently."
(Implying that one of us is extremely messed up, thus that's why it's taking so long? Thanks.)
~~~~~
Disclaimer: I am contentedly single (most of the time). I do hope that God has marriage in store for me, and I have great faith in the plan that God has for my life AND His perfect timing. Therefore no insult or offense is intended in sharing these statements, nor am I saying that none of them hold any truth. Even the best-intended statements above, while perhaps semi-reassuring as a college student, become meaningless "token" replies as a mid-20s single. And as a 30-something single who's heard each one at least a thousand times, it ultimately reinforces the isolation of very few understanding what it's like to be 30+ and single. Encouraging words like "I'm praying for you" and "I can't wait to see the incredible love story God has in store for you" are so much more reassuring and cherished to that 25+, 30+, 40+ single than those words that somehow make them feel isolated by that chasm of singleness.
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Thanks for sharing this post. I have a precious single friend who is struggling with turning 30 last month. I sent your post to her to assure her that others hear the same (stupid) statements. What's crazy is we've heard them in regard to our infertility, too. For example:
ReplyDelete"Why don't you have kids yet?"
"You are SO lucky!!"
"Your life is SO much simpler without kids."
"The timing just isn't right."
"It will happen when you're not even expecting it." (We even received the suggestion to get drunk. That way we'd be "relaxed" enough to conceive. Brilliant.)
"I just WISH I could get rid of my kids for a while."
(Yeah, we believe you. Or not.)
"God is still working on you. Just wait patiently."
(Implying that we are extremely messed up, would make terrible parents in our current condition, thus that's why it's taking so long. Thanks.)
Or my personal favorite: "You should claim God's promises." (Where in Scripture did God promise I'd ever get married, have children or even have a job, for that matter?)
What is this human preoccupation for evaluating people this way? It seems it doesn't matter what stage of life you're in, you're never quite satisfactory. If you're in high school/college and not dating, you should be; if you're single, you should be married; if you're married without kids, you should have them; if you have one kid, you should have more; if you have too many kids, you should have used better birth control. When does it stop? If I'm not dead, I should be? Well, at least I wouldn't have to listen to all this rot?
What's sad is I've found Christians to be the worst at perpetuating this foolishness. I'm so thankful God doesn't evaluate us by societal standards! I wonder if part of the reason Paul said he'd "learned to be content" was to try to silence those trying to set him up with the next pretty convert, so they could have Paul, Jr, Pauline and Paula!
It's a thought.