The Back Side of the Picture

I haven't blogged in awhile. I'd like to blame it on being incredibly busy (which would be accurate) but the more appropriate blame could probably be placed on the fact that God has been murmuring to me, whispering to my heart over the past few weeks and I haven't had human words to pair with the whispers. Forgive me in advance for the lengthy post (brevity has never been a strength), but the words are coming, at last:

"If you can't pray a door open, don't pry it open." ~ Lyell Rader

When I stumbled across this quotation earlier in the week, I chuckled. It was so short and almost cute in its directness. Yet as the week has gone on I've realized these were some of the very words my human mind needed to grasp hold of and use to point me purposefully into God's Word. This morning, I happened to google Rader's name because I have never heard of him. I found little beyond one additional quote. This time, the quote made me chuckle just because it was another perfect hit:

"Faith grows only in the dark. You've got to trust him when you can't trace him. That's faith." ~ Lyell Rader

Coupling these together makes me wonder - how many times have I tried to "help" God out by prying open a door that He never intended to be open in my life in the first place? I think over the course of the last decade and can't help but recognize that I have probably caused myself a great deal of pain and confusion by my own hand. True, with each struggle comes a lesson learned - but I am convicted to know that I would dare be so confident in my ability to comprehend God's will several steps down the road - so confident, in fact, that I would jump ahead of Him and step into what I "knew" to be the right path. How foolish I have been so many times! Sometimes in small things and sometimes in bigger things, but regardless, how absurd is it to think that I as a mere human could even begin to understand the grandeur and the will of an incomprehensible God!!

Those of you who know my family also know that my Mom and sister are both incredibly talented in almost anything in the creative world - drawing, cross-stitch, knitting, crochet, sewing, and so many more. Their interests are varied, yet their talent is unmistakable. I, on the other hand, am mediocre at best in any of these pursuits. I'd like to say that it's because I don't have the attention span for it and while that may be partially true (I have this need to move through a "to do" list quickly - long craft projects tend to bore me after a few days), I think that the real reason is because I am way too much a perfectionist. I have a hard time tackling projects with real commitment when I don't think the end result will be "good enough."

Hmmmm....I wonder - how often do I approach life this way? Only adopting pursuits I feel confident I can achieve? Deciding for myself which paths I think are best for me and then trekking off in that direction, even if it means prying open closed doors? Saying that I have faith in God, and yet somehow not having enough faith in myself to rest peacefully in the faith of life laid in the Master's Hands? Needing to understand to the point that the first glimmer I have that a certain path might be the way to go, I take off down that road without a backward glance, perhaps never noticing that there was a detour full of open doors that was my real path?

It reminds me of a story I heard somewhere along the way growing up, and goes back to the whole "crafty" side of things. One craft that I do enjoy occasionally in very small doses (we're talking bookmark-sized doses) is cross-stitching. My sister taught me to cross-stitch in one of those far too infrequent adolescent moments when we got along. Now my sister? She hasn't cross-stitched much in several years as her interests have moved on, but she could create a beautiful piece of cross-stitch art. She would take on these massive projects - huge framed works that would take her months to complete. They were impressive. What's interesting, though, is that the backsides of her projects were almost as impressive as the fronts. Don't get me wrong - the picture was still only complete and recognizable on the front. Yet the back was always neat, with precise lines of thread, tidy little knots - uniform in its own methodical way.

My cross-stitch projects? Of course I'm going to be harder on myself than I should, but I will also be honest - you would laugh if you saw the backs. Seriously. You would. The fronts always turn out just as they should. But the backs are a mess! I always tried to start out with neat, uniform rows; but soon enough, the moment would come when I realized that I'd forgotten a stitch and instead of tying off and starting anew with that row, I'd just move directly to it and keep going. My knots have never been stellar and I rarely trusted they would hold so often ran my needle through the past few threads just to reinforce it a little bit before tying off. The result? A hodge podge of messy threads of various colors, a nonsensical jumble of confusion - one that I always made sure to hide with a back of some sort.

That brings me back to the story - it was something about a granddaughter talking to her grandmother about how she was confused in life and just couldn't understand the "big picture" or plan that God had in mind for her. The grandmother picks up her current cross-stitch project and, showing her granddaughter the back side, asks her what she thinks about it. The girl chuckles and says that it's the back so it doesn't matter. The grandmother chuckles before replying that the back definitely matters because without it, the beautiful picture on the front could not exist. Then she pauses before she eloquently begins to weave words together explaining that what we see of our lives is, for the most part, the back side. We see the directions, the beginnings, the endings, sometimes even the messes - and many times we don't understand what we're seeing. Then the grandmother moves on to explain that what God sees is the front side, the beautiful picture of our lives that He is creating. She goes on to say that when we embrace our perspective as it is, God is able to do His work and continue stitching the story of our lives - often giving us glimpses of that "big picture" of the front. Yet too often we get lost in our short-sightedness and grab the needle away from God, making our own stitches and carving our own paths. In all this, God is still willing to work the "big picture" for His good, but perhaps not in the same manner and often requiring the pain of stitches being removed or a longer timeline before certain pieces of the picture are complete.

I always thought this was a beautiful story and now, combining that with these two quotes and the murmurings of my heart, I am so overwhelmed with the wonderful omniscience and perfection of my glorious Savior. I am human, weak and frail ... far too often grabbing the needle and prying open the doors ... may I learn to let go and trust my God who knows far better than I what steps my feet must take. And, on a lighter note, may I embrace my less-than-perfect crafty endeavors for the tiny gems that they are. :-)

~ Father, give me the patience and the faith to let You open the doors, to let You hold the needle, even when I can't follow the pattern or decipher your plan. ~